Emotional Blowjobs

Don’t have much today. Like I said, I’m trying hard not to let this be a place where I throw up feelings or hand out emotional blowjobs but it’s becoming more and more difficult.

The other night I met Mark and Louise and a few others for a drink. It was the first time I was in a social setting that should have had Michael in it. I kept thinking he was going to appear and whenever I lulled away into a conversation, momentarily forgetting everything, I snapped back, looking up, waiting.

I had the thought today that a person’s life is like a book, or movie. You think you know how it’s going to end, who the protagonist is, the bad guy, the guest star, the walk on, the one night stand that becomes a punch line later in the story. But a person’s life is much more like a series of books or a trilogy of movies. Low and behold you will find out in movie three that Vader is Luke’s father, making that oddly romantic kiss in Empire Strikes Back between Leia and Luke seem like a fetish plug for incest lovers.

So I’m having to rewrite the next book of my life. I thought, based on previous books and chapters and kisses that Michael was the one and our life unfolded in front of me, a delivered gift from the gods for the hardships lived through and the optimism still clung to. But you really can’t dance around “I’m not in love with you any more.” As hard as I try to see him coming back around, a love story reunited, a battle won, another raid on the death star – well, I just can’t. He put the kibosh on guest starring later on.

All of this is making me look back on previous chapters in my life with a suspicious eye. So maybe he wasn’t the one. Maybe there is no “one”. Who knows. I could drive myself crazy trying to figure out what it all means barely half way through the story. Sadly, we end when the story ends so any grand conclusions will have to come from others.

I suppose if it is a movie, we are the camera of our own lives. We see what we want to see. Someone said that when someone is editing a documentary, every cut is a lie. A cut is a decision, just like camera angle is a decision, just like casting is a decision. Michael and I lived the same life but he will no doubt have a different take on the moral of the story. It’s going to take me a long time to stop seeing him as the leading man. I don’t think I would want it any other way. I just hope it gets easier. Stay tuned for the next guest star. Bad dates are always a punch line in movies so maybe this is where my movie goes from romance to comedy. I just hope its not a Fargo type comedy because I don’t think I could stand a woodchipper.